Monthly Archives: March 2009

Mar 17 2009
regular

things only time can heal

as i was laying on a table, that resembles one you would find in the back room where one would only go for a shady medical procedure, staring up at a new face, many thoughts came rushing into my head.

the first and most relevant in the moment… i sure hope she doesn’t botch this. see, i moved coupled with the unmentioanable outburst from a friend, i needed to find a new place to wax my eyebrows.  well i settled for the first place i could find that had a parking spot. and, anyone who has gone into a small manicure/pedicure place for an eyebrow wax can relate to the room they put you in.

as she was pouring hot wax onto my face, i realized if she did screw this up… only time could heal the mistake. think about it. i can’t “draw” in my eyebrow, that would look odd, i can’t wear a hat low or glasses high… i would just have to go around look surprised for a few weeks.

and so another list begins: things that only time can heal-

1. the obvious – a broken heart

2. the frustrating – plants trimmed back to far

3. and now – the out of your control – a bad eyebrow wax

i will think of others to add to the list.

Mar 01 2009
regular

Inaugural Ahole List

This list will continue to grow. It will take a lot to get off this list, but if anyone does I will be sure to make a big deal about it.

1. Rush Limbaugh. I wish his hearing would have stayed away… you know the man is too lazy to read and write the nonsense he spews, let alone sign language

2. Sarah Palin.  Because she is an idiot

3. Will Forte. Stop ruining weekend update. Stop with your way too long, boring, dumb skits. And your songs, stop. Andy Sandberg does it better.

4. Every republican that says “i have to lead this way, my people voted me in for that reason” No. No they didn’t. Most of the time  50-55% of the people voted you in. That leaves 50% of people you are still governing for, you have to govern for them as well. The rest of you- you were not voted in. You either cheated, were appointed, snuck in the back door because of scandal or if you are from Illinois… you bought your spot.

5. Kathy. From Eric and Kathy wtmx morning show in chicago. We get it, you get to do cool things. Stop ruining the ends of movies before they come out. Stop bragging about your boob job. Stop trying to act like you were cool. You weren’t and aren’t.

Mar 01 2009
regular

what i learned from scurry movies

first, i do not like scary movies. but i was being punished.

punishment background: on the plane home from vegas i watched walk hard. well all but 20 minutes. i tell my friend i will finish it and send it back to netflix for her. well 3 weeks later, i have yet to do any of what i said i was going to do. as a punishment bc she did not get her new movies, i got stuck watching a terrible scary movie.

hitcher. first, terrible title. second, terrible remake (you shouldn’t be allowed to remake a movie if the orginal is less that 25 years old). third, terrible movie.

i am not sure why i was punished with 2 scary movies, but the second one was vacancy. both we not good.

there may or may not be spoilers listed below, i hope you don’t watch either movie, but if you do want to stop here and move on with your life.

a few things i witnessed and learned.

1. dead things play a key role in both movies, in hitcher more so. the movie opens with a CGI jackrabbit being run over, the words largest CGI dragon fly is splattered across the entire windshield. a family is gutted, along with 18 other people. but the number one dead thing is when a body is physically pulled apart at the waist after being tied to two semitrucks. pulled apart at the fucking waist.

we’ll look beyond the impossibility of this and marvel in the fact they actually filmed it and had the innards explode towards the camera…

2. listen to her. in both movies if the dude would have just listened to the lady everything would have been ok. when she says stay on the expressway (both movies)- do it. when she says let’s just go home- do it, when she says don’t leave me alone- don’t and finally don’t take the gun from her, she is the only one with a good shot.

3. never ever go anywhere that your cell phone doesn’t work

4. if it walks like a duck. if he has a porn stache, is wearing 1970’s glasses and is watching snuff films when you check into the hotel, he is probably a snuff film director.

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5. best movie quotes:
“she’s as sticky as an old whore.”
“i don’t give a rat cockbag what you have to do”
“you’ve got to be five finger fucking me “
“I guess I just wanted to make this as miserable as possible, you know? See just how big a bitch you’d be about it.”
“She’s a good looking girl… how long have you been fucking her?”
“We got donkeys out back that we have been raising. I got kicked in the face by one of them, that’s why I got this lazy eye. I tried milking a donkey, but you can’t milk those donkeys, man.”
“You’re making me fucking horny, you cunt!

6. it is better to sleep in your car than to stay at a shady motel

7. Guns are only a good weapon at the very end

8. motorcycle boots look awesome with miniskirts

9. Whenever you stop at a gas station that is in a small town, the clerk will always look and act like a character from Deliverance.

10. use peep holes. no need to open the door to see who is out there when there are perfectly fine peepholes available.

11. women find it easy to fall asleep at any point during scary situations. hiding in the attic, in a shady motel room you broke into, after you see a family murdered, after your husband was stabbed…

12. i need to invest in a gps now.

that’s all time to go have nightmares. awesome.

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Mar 01 2009
regular

everything i need to know i learned from soccer.

[A little background… I have worked in digital advertsing my whole career, in a digital media agency and at a creative shop. I wrote this with professional relationships in mind, but it can be applied in many ways to all aspects of life. and yes, soccer is the only sport that works… other sports just don’t have the same rules and structure, sorry basketball and football players.]

Looking back on my soccer career- high school, college…

I was the captain. I was in charge of motivating and ensuring everyone was aligned, had the same goals and made smart choices- including helping the newbies learn how to balance other responsibilities (school, clubs, work, parties).

Off the field: We made team and individual goals before the season-during the season and outside of the season. We had rules [not meant to babysit] but meant to keep the expectations clear and the same starting point for everyone.

On the field: in the heat of the game, everyone knew the plays, knew the game plan and worked together.

As much as I was accountable as a captain, I had a coach who was accountable for, and was ultimately, setting the team up for success. He couldn’t play for us, he could prepare us.

I learned very early in my career… 110 yards long and 50 yards wide is way too big of an area/field for me cover by myself and it was crazy to even attempt to do a teammate’s job. I couldn’t play offense and defense at the same time. I couldn’t get back to my position fast enough if i had to run to help someone else in their position, plus it caused confusion if i was out of place. We got it right in practice. In soccer there are no time outs [reason one this analogy only works with soccer], the coach can’t stop the play… it was the choices you made on the field that you were judged by.

Outside of game time, we watched game tapes, we did scouting reports, we looked at where we screwed up, we looked at the stats. And when we did screw-up we ran laps. We knew we were going to get “punished” Talking back = 20 laps. Foul = suicides. Losing = Figure 8’s. There were consequences to our actions, and we knew what they were- we actually came up with them for ourselves.

The ironic part was, all of the “punishments” were paid back in something that made us a stronger team, better conditioned. The coach didn’t just yell. We ran laps which equals conditioning. We repeated set plays 1,000 times to be ready in a game situation.

We didn’t work in silo’s. Each team member had a core position. Goalie, Forward, Defense, Midfield. In addition to the core fundamentals, you learned things specific to that main position. You became good at things your teammates recognized and respected – but they didn’t need to become an expert in themselves. They did, however, know enough to be able to support and back-up when needed. In practice we spent half the time as a team and half the time with your teammates that had the same position. Always starting and ending each practice as a team. Outside of practice you did everything you could to become a better individual player – you dribbled more, you juggled, you watched tape, you lifted weights, you read strategies, you practiced shooting over and over…

A team won when people moved away from the ball, when they supported each other, when they got back and covered, not because you had one superstar. Teams with one superstar may have won 1 or 2 games, but overall they lost as a team and in record.

Trust me, there were days you didn’t want to go to practice. There were days you hated your teammates and your coach. There were days you needed support. But, despite any bad day, everyone wanted to be there. Wanted to be on the team. Wanted to be part of a team and wanted to win. If they didn’t, they weren’t on the team anymore.

In the end, with a winning or losing record (although more fun with a winning one) you have a banquet, hand out awards, acknowledge the small and big goals, the successes and the inside jokes… you celebrated the successes and reflected on the challenges.

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