the world according to schmogel.

I recently had a realization. I happened to be in the fetal position on my couch, at noon, on a sunday, after a night of being way over-served. I was reprimanding myself. Who the hell did I think I was? Why did i pretend like i was 20?

You know, at 20, when you can start drinking at noon, play 3-man or asshole well into the night, cheersing as you watch the sun rise and wake up at 8am and start the day off with beer pong before you do it all over again… and again… and again.

At this point I started thinking about who else seems to wake up bright-eyed and ready to party after a night of partying, and a trend arose. That trend was divided into two distinct groups.  The Young and, surprisingly, The Older. Yes, The Older.

Think about it. You go to a wedding. Often times, it’s my aunts and uncles and parents of friends who are drinking into the night, doing shots and first one’s at the breakfast buffet.  They are the group that can sit at the end of a bar for hours and the next day go sight-seeing in a packed, no air-conditioning tourist bus…

So, as I laid there cursing anyone that was near me as i kept drinking glass after glass and praying for the hamburger gods to bring me something deliciously greasy… i realized, i have something to look forward to as I get old- i will once again be able to drink like a 20 year old again. cheers to that.

this list will not contain people. i wish i knew the name of the people that came up with the items in this list. i would sign them up for all sorts of spam, mailing lists and wish bad things upon them.

some may find this list ironic coming from me. i work in advertising and by default, i make up words a lot. I have even been known to fall victim to the inadvertant endorsement of fake words when i recycle the nonsense. those are not the words i speak of below. the words i use, i only use on other marketing folks and within the industry. by chosing a career in advertising or marketing you signed up for it. no, no, no… the words i speak of are the unspeakable… when professionals take made-up words and turn them loose on society. making them cool and ultimately part of universally accepted vocabulary.

i do not refer to brand words (twitter, google, bing), nor do i refer to pop culture words, as much as i hate most (as if, for reals, dramats). i refer to words that are used in advertising campaigns to give meaning to a brand. make it something new. making it “ownable” and “break through” and barf, barf, barf.

i say, boo on you, boo.

on to the list.

1. Any’tizers. shame on you, Tyson. Do 12 year old boys really need you to call out the fact that you can have buffalo wings after school or as a snack… and not just as a before meal, meal? [side note: if you can’t make up a word without the use of an apostrophe, don’t]

2. Cranergy. Ocean Spray, you have out done yourself. Not only did you make-up a new word… you actually turned it into a product line… i like you, so it hurts me to say this. i hope this line fails enough that you have to go through the pain and expense of renaming it.

3. Snackrifice. Kraft, i thought you were above this. jingles, logos, recipes, new products… but this? snackrifice. is almost as bad as staycation… almost.