Watching my mom and aunt google themselves… And asking lots of questions. they are kids on christmas- it’s magic.
the world according to schmogel.
welcome inside my head.
Author Archives: schmogel
something to look forward to?
I recently had a realization. I happened to be in the fetal position on my couch, at noon, on a sunday, after a night of being way over-served. I was reprimanding myself. Who the hell did I think I was? Why did i pretend like i was 20?
You know, at 20, when you can start drinking at noon, play 3-man or asshole well into the night, cheersing as you watch the sun rise and wake up at 8am and start the day off with beer pong before you do it all over again… and again… and again.
At this point I started thinking about who else seems to wake up bright-eyed and ready to party after a night of partying, and a trend arose. That trend was divided into two distinct groups. The Young and, surprisingly, The Older. Yes, The Older.
Think about it. You go to a wedding. Often times, it’s my aunts and uncles and parents of friends who are drinking into the night, doing shots and first one’s at the breakfast buffet. They are the group that can sit at the end of a bar for hours and the next day go sight-seeing in a packed, no air-conditioning tourist bus…
So, as I laid there cursing anyone that was near me as i kept drinking glass after glass and praying for the hamburger gods to bring me something deliciously greasy… i realized, i have something to look forward to as I get old- i will once again be able to drink like a 20 year old again. cheers to that.
second ahole list…
this list will not contain people. i wish i knew the name of the people that came up with the items in this list. i would sign them up for all sorts of spam, mailing lists and wish bad things upon them.
some may find this list ironic coming from me. i work in advertising and by default, i make up words a lot. I have even been known to fall victim to the inadvertant endorsement of fake words when i recycle the nonsense. those are not the words i speak of below. the words i use, i only use on other marketing folks and within the industry. by chosing a career in advertising or marketing you signed up for it. no, no, no… the words i speak of are the unspeakable… when professionals take made-up words and turn them loose on society. making them cool and ultimately part of universally accepted vocabulary.
i do not refer to brand words (twitter, google, bing), nor do i refer to pop culture words, as much as i hate most (as if, for reals, dramats). i refer to words that are used in advertising campaigns to give meaning to a brand. make it something new. making it “ownable” and “break through” and barf, barf, barf.
i say, boo on you, boo.
on to the list.
1. Any’tizers. shame on you, Tyson. Do 12 year old boys really need you to call out the fact that you can have buffalo wings after school or as a snack… and not just as a before meal, meal? [side note: if you can’t make up a word without the use of an apostrophe, don’t]
2. Cranergy. Ocean Spray, you have out done yourself. Not only did you make-up a new word… you actually turned it into a product line… i like you, so it hurts me to say this. i hope this line fails enough that you have to go through the pain and expense of renaming it.
3. Snackrifice. Kraft, i thought you were above this. jingles, logos, recipes, new products… but this? snackrifice. is almost as bad as staycation… almost.
Stop the fighting… Axe did good.
Why can’t we be friends?
Just posted this to an article on adweek.com: http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/2009/04/is-the-axe-effect-site-a-pointless-wankfest.html
Why is everyone hating? Did we run out of things to debate? Here are a few topics: “Full page takeovers bad and intrusive online, but networks can parade overlays promoting new shows all over my TV screen? Hypocritical much” Or “Yellow Pages, how do I opt-out. Why do they just show up at my house?” Or “enough with the @replies in twitter. We get it, you have a lot of people to thank.”
Haven’t we spent years talking about the importance of experiencing a brand in relevant areas? Take the brand to consumers? Measure exposure to a brand in bite sized pieces? Don’t make driving traffic to your website the end all be all?
Axe just updated their site with links to where you can find their content. I won’t get started on the fact that modernista somehow sits at the top of a pyramid scheme taking credit for an amazing idea that is far from original… squeaky wheel, I guess.
Back to Axe, why is it a bad thing that a brand took all the random efforts their offline, online, media, PR (the list can go on) agencies and actually looked at them together and gave users a table of content to their messaging? Guess what… if no one ever makes it to their site, it doesn’t matter because they can experience the brand where they already are. At least the brand managers can see all the work going on across the brands.
It is no different than media companies linking to their twitter accounts, or bloggers linking to their facebook, twitter, youtube page.
Distributable content is good. A brand that gives easy access to all content is smart. Brands have been doing it for years online.
we should be encouraging this thinking, not slamming it.
why can’t we all just get along?
disclaimer: i don’t work on axe, at the agency who handles axe or at the parent company.
Yes, we’re gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed
Chicago, Chicago, Chicago… why do you hate your residents? I understand that we are corupt and have some debt and we are in a recession and that you have given too many tax breaks to companies so the average person has to cover expenses and that we want the olympics… but fair is fair, right?
First these silly red light cameras. If you aren’t there to catch me, you should not be allowed to ticket me. Unless you catch me with my hand in the cookie jar, it wasn’t me.
The talk of speed cameras on LSD is just plain dumb. I hope someone jams them all. But if you must, why is the speed limit 40 MPH? Just today I was moving along at a safe 50 MPH, and I was not the fastest… and I felt safe. No one crosses the street, there are very few lights, there are 4 lanes… the only reason I can argue a speed of 40 is needed are the lake sized pot holes. And then, one could argue that the speed limit should be 5 MPH.
Chicago, get your shit togehter. Please and thanks.
things only time can heal
as i was laying on a table, that resembles one you would find in the back room where one would only go for a shady medical procedure, staring up at a new face, many thoughts came rushing into my head.
the first and most relevant in the moment… i sure hope she doesn’t botch this. see, i moved coupled with the unmentioanable outburst from a friend, i needed to find a new place to wax my eyebrows. well i settled for the first place i could find that had a parking spot. and, anyone who has gone into a small manicure/pedicure place for an eyebrow wax can relate to the room they put you in.
as she was pouring hot wax onto my face, i realized if she did screw this up… only time could heal the mistake. think about it. i can’t “draw” in my eyebrow, that would look odd, i can’t wear a hat low or glasses high… i would just have to go around look surprised for a few weeks.
and so another list begins: things that only time can heal-
1. the obvious – a broken heart
2. the frustrating – plants trimmed back to far
3. and now – the out of your control – a bad eyebrow wax
i will think of others to add to the list.
Inaugural Ahole List
This list will continue to grow. It will take a lot to get off this list, but if anyone does I will be sure to make a big deal about it.
1. Rush Limbaugh. I wish his hearing would have stayed away… you know the man is too lazy to read and write the nonsense he spews, let alone sign language
2. Sarah Palin. Because she is an idiot
3. Will Forte. Stop ruining weekend update. Stop with your way too long, boring, dumb skits. And your songs, stop. Andy Sandberg does it better.
4. Every republican that says “i have to lead this way, my people voted me in for that reason” No. No they didn’t. Most of the time 50-55% of the people voted you in. That leaves 50% of people you are still governing for, you have to govern for them as well. The rest of you- you were not voted in. You either cheated, were appointed, snuck in the back door because of scandal or if you are from Illinois… you bought your spot.
5. Kathy. From Eric and Kathy wtmx morning show in chicago. We get it, you get to do cool things. Stop ruining the ends of movies before they come out. Stop bragging about your boob job. Stop trying to act like you were cool. You weren’t and aren’t.
what i learned from scurry movies
first, i do not like scary movies. but i was being punished.
punishment background: on the plane home from vegas i watched walk hard. well all but 20 minutes. i tell my friend i will finish it and send it back to netflix for her. well 3 weeks later, i have yet to do any of what i said i was going to do. as a punishment bc she did not get her new movies, i got stuck watching a terrible scary movie.
hitcher. first, terrible title. second, terrible remake (you shouldn’t be allowed to remake a movie if the orginal is less that 25 years old). third, terrible movie.
i am not sure why i was punished with 2 scary movies, but the second one was vacancy. both we not good.
there may or may not be spoilers listed below, i hope you don’t watch either movie, but if you do want to stop here and move on with your life.
a few things i witnessed and learned.
1. dead things play a key role in both movies, in hitcher more so. the movie opens with a CGI jackrabbit being run over, the words largest CGI dragon fly is splattered across the entire windshield. a family is gutted, along with 18 other people. but the number one dead thing is when a body is physically pulled apart at the waist after being tied to two semitrucks. pulled apart at the fucking waist.
we’ll look beyond the impossibility of this and marvel in the fact they actually filmed it and had the innards explode towards the camera…
2. listen to her. in both movies if the dude would have just listened to the lady everything would have been ok. when she says stay on the expressway (both movies)- do it. when she says let’s just go home- do it, when she says don’t leave me alone- don’t and finally don’t take the gun from her, she is the only one with a good shot.
3. never ever go anywhere that your cell phone doesn’t work
4. if it walks like a duck. if he has a porn stache, is wearing 1970’s glasses and is watching snuff films when you check into the hotel, he is probably a snuff film director.
5. best movie quotes:
“she’s as sticky as an old whore.”
“i don’t give a rat cockbag what you have to do”
“you’ve got to be five finger fucking me “
“I guess I just wanted to make this as miserable as possible, you know? See just how big a bitch you’d be about it.”
“She’s a good looking girl… how long have you been fucking her?”
“We got donkeys out back that we have been raising. I got kicked in the face by one of them, that’s why I got this lazy eye. I tried milking a donkey, but you can’t milk those donkeys, man.”
“You’re making me fucking horny, you cunt!
6. it is better to sleep in your car than to stay at a shady motel
7. Guns are only a good weapon at the very end
8. motorcycle boots look awesome with miniskirts
9. Whenever you stop at a gas station that is in a small town, the clerk will always look and act like a character from Deliverance.
10. use peep holes. no need to open the door to see who is out there when there are perfectly fine peepholes available.
11. women find it easy to fall asleep at any point during scary situations. hiding in the attic, in a shady motel room you broke into, after you see a family murdered, after your husband was stabbed…
12. i need to invest in a gps now.
that’s all time to go have nightmares. awesome.
everything i need to know i learned from soccer.
[A little background… I have worked in digital advertsing my whole career, in a digital media agency and at a creative shop. I wrote this with professional relationships in mind, but it can be applied in many ways to all aspects of life. and yes, soccer is the only sport that works… other sports just don’t have the same rules and structure, sorry basketball and football players.]
Looking back on my soccer career- high school, college…
I was the captain. I was in charge of motivating and ensuring everyone was aligned, had the same goals and made smart choices- including helping the newbies learn how to balance other responsibilities (school, clubs, work, parties).
Off the field: We made team and individual goals before the season-during the season and outside of the season. We had rules [not meant to babysit] but meant to keep the expectations clear and the same starting point for everyone.
On the field: in the heat of the game, everyone knew the plays, knew the game plan and worked together.
As much as I was accountable as a captain, I had a coach who was accountable for, and was ultimately, setting the team up for success. He couldn’t play for us, he could prepare us.
I learned very early in my career… 110 yards long and 50 yards wide is way too big of an area/field for me cover by myself and it was crazy to even attempt to do a teammate’s job. I couldn’t play offense and defense at the same time. I couldn’t get back to my position fast enough if i had to run to help someone else in their position, plus it caused confusion if i was out of place. We got it right in practice. In soccer there are no time outs [reason one this analogy only works with soccer], the coach can’t stop the play… it was the choices you made on the field that you were judged by.
Outside of game time, we watched game tapes, we did scouting reports, we looked at where we screwed up, we looked at the stats. And when we did screw-up we ran laps. We knew we were going to get “punished” Talking back = 20 laps. Foul = suicides. Losing = Figure 8’s. There were consequences to our actions, and we knew what they were- we actually came up with them for ourselves.
The ironic part was, all of the “punishments” were paid back in something that made us a stronger team, better conditioned. The coach didn’t just yell. We ran laps which equals conditioning. We repeated set plays 1,000 times to be ready in a game situation.
We didn’t work in silo’s. Each team member had a core position. Goalie, Forward, Defense, Midfield. In addition to the core fundamentals, you learned things specific to that main position. You became good at things your teammates recognized and respected – but they didn’t need to become an expert in themselves. They did, however, know enough to be able to support and back-up when needed. In practice we spent half the time as a team and half the time with your teammates that had the same position. Always starting and ending each practice as a team. Outside of practice you did everything you could to become a better individual player – you dribbled more, you juggled, you watched tape, you lifted weights, you read strategies, you practiced shooting over and over…
A team won when people moved away from the ball, when they supported each other, when they got back and covered, not because you had one superstar. Teams with one superstar may have won 1 or 2 games, but overall they lost as a team and in record.
Trust me, there were days you didn’t want to go to practice. There were days you hated your teammates and your coach. There were days you needed support. But, despite any bad day, everyone wanted to be there. Wanted to be on the team. Wanted to be part of a team and wanted to win. If they didn’t, they weren’t on the team anymore.
In the end, with a winning or losing record (although more fun with a winning one) you have a banquet, hand out awards, acknowledge the small and big goals, the successes and the inside jokes… you celebrated the successes and reflected on the challenges.
the world according to schmogel. 