first, i do not like scary movies. but i was being punished.
punishment background: on the plane home from vegas i watched walk hard. well all but 20 minutes. i tell my friend i will finish it and send it back to netflix for her. well 3 weeks later, i have yet to do any of what i said i was going to do. as a punishment bc she did not get her new movies, i got stuck watching a terrible scary movie.
hitcher. first, terrible title. second, terrible remake (you shouldn’t be allowed to remake a movie if the orginal is less that 25 years old). third, terrible movie.
i am not sure why i was punished with 2 scary movies, but the second one was vacancy. both we not good.
there may or may not be spoilers listed below, i hope you don’t watch either movie, but if you do want to stop here and move on with your life.
a few things i witnessed and learned.
1. dead things play a key role in both movies, in hitcher more so. the movie opens with a CGI jackrabbit being run over, the words largest CGI dragon fly is splattered across the entire windshield. a family is gutted, along with 18 other people. but the number one dead thing is when a body is physically pulled apart at the waist after being tied to two semitrucks. pulled apart at the fucking waist.
we’ll look beyond the impossibility of this and marvel in the fact they actually filmed it and had the innards explode towards the camera…
2. listen to her. in both movies if the dude would have just listened to the lady everything would have been ok. when she says stay on the expressway (both movies)- do it. when she says let’s just go home- do it, when she says don’t leave me alone- don’t and finally don’t take the gun from her, she is the only one with a good shot.
3. never ever go anywhere that your cell phone doesn’t work
4. if it walks like a duck. if he has a porn stache, is wearing 1970’s glasses and is watching snuff films when you check into the hotel, he is probably a snuff film director.
5. best movie quotes:
“she’s as sticky as an old whore.”
“i don’t give a rat cockbag what you have to do”
“you’ve got to be five finger fucking me “
“I guess I just wanted to make this as miserable as possible, you know? See just how big a bitch you’d be about it.”
“She’s a good looking girl… how long have you been fucking her?”
“We got donkeys out back that we have been raising. I got kicked in the face by one of them, that’s why I got this lazy eye. I tried milking a donkey, but you can’t milk those donkeys, man.”
“You’re making me fucking horny, you cunt!
6. it is better to sleep in your car than to stay at a shady motel
7. Guns are only a good weapon at the very end
8. motorcycle boots look awesome with miniskirts
9. Whenever you stop at a gas station that is in a small town, the clerk will always look and act like a character from Deliverance.
10. use peep holes. no need to open the door to see who is out there when there are perfectly fine peepholes available.
11. women find it easy to fall asleep at any point during scary situations. hiding in the attic, in a shady motel room you broke into, after you see a family murdered, after your husband was stabbed…
12. i need to invest in a gps now.
that’s all time to go have nightmares. awesome.
the world according to schmogel. 